Cookie Cutter Critters

So a while back I joined that website plentyoffish.com.  I can honestly say that that place is chock full of weirdos.  Not all are weirdos, but a good 84.3% of the women on that site have more issues than the New York Times.  You know what the funny thing is, they all claim to want the same things.  They all want a country boy that doesn't play games.  News flash honey, most country boys can't operate a computer.  That's why they're called country boys.  Also, a lot of the guys on that site are game players to begin with.  That's why they're on that site, to find girls that will date them despite their game playing.  I went on there to see how the other half lives, you know, the unapologetically desperate.  They live just like I thought, crazy.  I'm going to give you some tips to make yourself seem more attractive and worth the time of classy guys' like me.

1.  Don't take pictures of yourself dressed like a complete prostitute and then claim that you're "not that kind of girl."  If I dressed like a cop, citizens would ask me to protect them and they would be sorely disappointed when they realize I'm just dressed like a cop.  Same with dressing all hooker-ish.

2.  Stop asking for swag.  Swag doesn't pay bills unless you're Tyson Beckford.  Actually, I don't think he's been relevant in years...so swag doesn't pay any bills.

3.  As I said before, country boys can't operate a toaster, let alone a computer.

4.  Use whole words.  Look, guys like me like to read whole words and have security in their future mate being able to spell on a 2nd grade level.  So feel free to try to be more intelligent.

5.  Try not to be too picky.  I mean yes you should try to get with a man that has all his teeth.  However you should not be upset if the dude isn't making six figures.  If he's making six figures, he's not on plentyoffish.com.  He has a hotter woman than you that's taking all his money.

6.  Be mature and type back to people.  It's just rude to completely ignore someone who takes the time to say something nice about you.  Now if he has one of those short sentences that asks you to do something unsavory, by all means ignore him.  But a genuine kind hearted response...be mature.

7.  Don't mock the website.  You're on it for a reason.  You're probably looking at me like I'm mocking, but I'm not.  I'm just stating what goes on.  I'm on it because you never know who you may meet.  Although I am slowly losing faith in women of the opposite sex with every wretched profile.

8. StOp TyPiNg LiKe ThIs.  It makes you look like you have a tap dancing parakeet on your caps lock button.  If there is one thing I hate, it's a tap dancing parakeet.  Can never trust a tap dancing parakeet.

9.  Don't do the duck face.  I don't care how beautiful you are or think you are, that's a party foul right there.  In fact, I'm pretty sure that I'll just type BANG in a message and say DUCK HUNT!  That goes for Facebook photos too.



Those duck faces...gag me.

My life on a website isn't nearly as exciting as I thought it would be.  Hence the blog.