I Missed the Memo

Okay, so today was the first day of school.  Of course it was filled with the usual crazy hi jinks of people not knowing what in the world is going on.  Kids came in with their fresh new backpacks, sharpened pencils, and new notebooks.  Kindergartners looked as lost as ever as they tried to find the perfect seat in the lunchroom.  Overall, it was a pretty good day.  The only thing we need to discuss is the fashion show that occurs.  Not amongst the kids.  That's normal.  Every year kids get maybe a week's worth of brand new clothes and just rock them like crazy.  Then it's back to the same old, same old for the rest of the year, save for Christmas clothes and maybe an Easter outfit.  But what I want to talk about is the fashion statements by the adults.  Today at school, I saw some teachers just going full bore.  Some had on some fly high heel shoes.  Some had on some shorter than usual skirts (not revealing or inappropriate, just more leg than most of my teachers ever showed).  Now don't think of this as me being jealous.  Not the case at all.  I just happen to work in a room in school where sensible shoes and business casual attire makes more sense.  Believe me, if I were in a typical classroom, I'd out dress everybody.  I mean I'm the guy that was on Wheel of Fortune looking fly in an outfit that didn't cost more than 50 bucks total (Goodwill Shoppers UNITE, but for a limited time only).  People always seem to want to put their best foot forward on the first day of school.  It also applies to the first day of the week for church.  I remember in the church I went to in New York, they actually made the parishioners walk to the front to put their offering envelope in the giant basket.  Now they may say that it was for the offering, but I think it was all just to get a fashion show going.  The ladies would strut like nobody's business with their fancy hats and dresses.  I was just waiting for the day that the Pastor would start doing commentary, "Here's Sister Mabel with her royal purple dress.  Notice her wonderful accompaniment of 2 inch heels, totally ignoring the corns on her toes and the major blister on her heel.  Her hat is tilted just to the left enough to give her vision to put her check in the basket."  We tend to put our best foot forward in every first.  First date, got to look fly.  First time at a particular club or restaurant, have to make it look like you've been there before.  Movie premieres always have people discussing their outfits to Joan Rivers.  Why can't we put our best foot forward everyday?  I know the reason I can't, I can't afford it.  But besides that, I think it behooves us to attempt to put out our best efforts everyday.  Nothing wrong with being well equipped for anything.  However, next time the school decides to have dress up day, call me.  I can at least slip on a clip-on tie and clean my shoes.

Why Can't All Girls Be Like Michelle?

People have been giving me a hard time lately about my marital status, or lack thereof.  They wonder why a good looking guy (my words, not theirs) who has a job and is kind and funny can't quite land a wifey.  First reason, the wrong women are being presented to me.  Just a heads up to all my caucasian friends: just because a lady is African-American does not mean I'll be immediately attracted to them.  Please make sure that said African-American lady is attractive in my eyes.  "She's black, you'll like her" is a horrible stategy for setting people up with black men.  However the meaning for this blog is simple.  They're not Michelle Beadle. 

For those of you who are not ESPN watchers...or not a dude, same diff really, Michelle Beadle is the co-host of SportsNation.  It's a television program where sports fans can vote on random topics and the hosts have to guess what the fans voted.  It's about an hour long and is quite entertaining.  This chick could be the perfect woman.  I'm not just blowing smoke, people this is the real deal. 

First of all, she's pretty.  Very pretty.  Second, she is a sports fan.  I guess that kind of comes with the territory for working for ESPN, but still you can tell she likes what she's watching and is into it.  I've always been attracted to female sports reporters.

It all started with Summer Sanders when she co-hosted NBA Inside Stuff every Saturday morning, however her career hasn't been stellar since then.  She also failed at The Celebrity Apprentice.  Then it gradually moved to Bonnie Bernstein.  She was my girl for a long time until I heard rumors of her having a romantic encounter with Patriots coach Bill Belichick.  I don't care if it's true or not, if you don't deny it, you lose my interest quick.  Simply because thinking about him with anything is really gross.  Sorry to all my Patriot fan friends, but you have to admit the Hoodie isn't very appealing.  Then it went to Erin Andrews, whom pretty much everyone loved.  Unfortunate incident with that stalker, but she's getting her justice and that's good.  However I hear rumors that she's making goo goo eyes at the Russian kid from the dancing show and that is a no no.  Any man in tights and sequins cannot be trusted. 

And then, I turn on ESPN2 one day and there she is...in all her glory.  I fell in love right there.  Here is this pretty blonde chick talking about sports and ripping on Alex Rodriguez like he stole her prom date.  I knew that she was the one.  She likes awesome car wrecks on camera, and she named her dog Leeroy Jenkins.    How can you not love her for that?  So, if anyone reading has ANY KIND of connection to Ms. Beadle, could you please hook a brother up?  I'm specifically talking to the three newscaster ladies that are on my facebook friends list.  One I danced with at my roommate's wedding, one I took a picture with at my school when she was the reigning Miss Virginia, and the other I saw at Buffalo Wild Wings watching the UFC fight.  Oh, Michelle likes UFC too, hot diggity.  If I can't get Michelle Beadle, I will gladly take a suitable lady that likes sports and knows who Leeroy Jenkins actually is.

It's Just a Number (Famous Last Words)

Today is Friday the 13th.  How many of you have been freaked out?  How many of you try to avoid breaking mirrors?  How many of you hate going under ladders?  Have you ever been afraid to open an umbrella indoors?  Who holds their breath while crossing railroad tracks?  If you do any of those things, I have one thing to say.  You're all stupid. 

Okay, maybe that was a mean thing to say, but heavens people, it's just a day.  I walked under a ladder and haphazardly carried a mirror around today.  Look, I understand you having particular patterns and idiosyncracies that you must carry out.  That's cool.  However don't pass your obnoxious fears along to me.  I won't fall for it.  You ever get up on the wrong side of the bed?  I don't because my bed is against the wall.  There is no wrong side.  Usually I don't walk under ladders, not because I'm spooked, but because I'm too tall.  I opened an umbrella indoors once, my mom fussed.  However nothing of great significance has happened to me because of it. 

I'm sorry if I've ruined your unwarranted fears, but you have to learn this.  And just to put it out there, putting 666 on anything doesn't make you a rebel.  It makes you a moron.  It's silly to use the 666 as your own personal way to put fear into others.  Yes it is Satan's number, but it's also the number you hit before you get to 667.  Don't freak out if it pops up on your grocery receipt.  You're not going to spew split pea soup on the cashier.  Although if you do, please video it and put it on YouTube. 

The number 13 isn't bad luck.  There's no such thing as luck.  You make your own luck.  Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.  In other words, if you get things right, good things happen. Seven isn't a lucky number either.  It is the number of completion, however it is the scariest number in the world, since seven ate nine.  Truth be told, superstition is a silly thing.  Pitchers who avoid touching the chalk on the baseball field.  That dude who plays for the Seahawks who smacks himself bloody in the face with his helmet.  That's all stupid.  You want a real superstition, eat healthy.  Do that everyday.  You'd be surprised how better off you'd be instead of buying a Milky Way so your grocery till doesn't look so scary.

Stay in Your Own Element, PLEASE

I am disturbed and upset right now.  First of all, I am tremendously supportive of everyone.  I want everyone to be with me in this new age of technology.  However, some people are having some trouble.  Let me give you some background.  How many times do you see someone berate the cashier or bagger at the grocery store?  How many times have you been the berater?  Well, the grocery store and other stores have figured a way to solve that problem.  They have invented the self checkout lane.  If you haven't seen these, it's basically a lane where you can scan, bag, and pay for your groceries all by yourself with no help from the staff.  Sometimes they may have to check your ID if you purchase some adult beverages, but all in all it's you and you alone.  Well some people need a little bit of coaching as to how to use this apparatus.  So here are some tips so that you can use this quickly, and I don't have to wait in a line holding cold ice cream and hot, fresh cooked chicken from the deli for minutes on end.

1) If you have 300 items, don't use the self checkout.  It's not for you, it's for people in a hurry.
2) Point the bar code toward the light.  It will scan it, I promise.
3) After you scan, put the item into the bag. The bags are right next to the scanner.
4) If you only have one or two items and you don't want to deal with a bag, that's fine.  But the machine will tell you to put the item in the "bagging area."  The bagging area is basically a scale.  It measures the item you bought just to make sure it is going where it needs to be.  So just put the item on the scale if you don't want a bag.  That way it won't tell you to put the item in the area for minutes and you're not embarrassed.
5) Have your method of payment ready to go before you even start. 
6) Don't leave your change in the machine.  People will take it and use it for themselves.

There you go, some simple rules for using the self checkout.  And just remember that if you paid $400 for a box of Lucky Charms, that's your fault.

Open Letters to Radio Stations and Nancy Grace

Dear Radio Stations, I have a bone to pick with you.  You seem to have a really bad habit that I think you need to kick promptly.  I'm in my car driving somewhere when I hear this: "Late breaking news about (fill in the blank), right after this song."  Now when I hear that news is coming, I get excited.  I get my hopes elevated ready to hear about my favorite actor, maybe a great quote from someone, or a feud between a rich chick and someone with actual talent.  But then, the bad part happens.  The radio station plays THE WORST SONG IN THE WORLD.  Now these songs are interchangable, so don't think it's a specific song.  Although Lady Gaga and that obnoxious girl with the dollar sign in her name consistently make my list.  Please radio stations, don't make me change the channel before the late breaking news comes on.  I usually end up missing that news because I waited too long to change back.  Then I have to google or something.  Play something I like.  Play something that makes me say, "Oh goody, I can't wait to hear that news.  I can live with this song while I'm waiting."

Dear Nancy, thank you for being so awesome.  After I stopped working at the YMCA, I wasn't sure how productive my evenings would be.  I turned on HLN once upon a time and I see you pretty much ripping that Misty Croslin girl apart for not being a good mother.  Well, she's a stepmother and not anymore since she divorced the child's daddy.  You consistently entertain me with your no holds barred commentary on pretty much anything that's an injustice.  Your Southern accent helps a whole lot too.  I knew I should have been DVR-ing you more often when Passions, the only soap opera I've ever admitted watching, made a parody of you in a court case.  Passions, I miss that show.  I miss Timmy, but I digress.  Thank you for bringing the business to all the evil in the world.  Joran Van Der Sloot, Misty Croslin, that producer who killed his wife in Mexico, they all have felt the wrath of the great Nancy Grace.  Thank you.

I'm Not Saying, I'm Just Saying

Hypothetical situation to think about.  Suppose black male no older than about 25 from the inner city goes out and gets drunk every night with his older friends.  Not only does he get drunk, he also takes a lot of drugs (prescription and illegal) and abuses them.  Through his teen years, before the age of 21, he gets into numerous car accidents.  Sometimes he flees the scene because he was drunk at the time.  When he does get caught, he simply goes to a nice facility that emphasizes comfort over personal responsibility for rehabilitation.  The one time that this man does get put in jail, he stays for less than an hour and a half.  Of course, after he gets out of rehab, he is often seen drinking and doing drugs.  He's been sent to the same rehab facility multiple times, but he still drinks.  The one time that he does get a sentence, it's just probation.  Can't drink or do any drugs or break any laws whatsoever or he'd end up in jail.  He's been caught drinking and driving multiple times after the probation is set.  When it's time for him to see the judge for violating probation, he comes in late and dressed inappropriately for someone who is trying to avoid jail.  He only gets a little more probation added on.  He is later ordered to wear an ankle bracelet that monitors his alcohol consumption.  He complains that the bracelet doesn't go well with his new sneakers he got on sale at Foot Locker.  He then violates probation again when the bracelet signals that he had consumed alcohol.  Finally, after all the drinking, drug abuse, and probation violations come to a head in court, he is sentenced to 90 days in jail.  He only serves 14 days.  Sounds pretty sad, eh? 

We all have seen this story unfold.  Except replace the black male from the inner city with a Caucasian female movie star.  Look, we've all seen the Lindsay Lohan saga play out.  We all agree, well all but the famous people and her immediate family, that her life story is a travesty of justice.  The government tells us to have faith in the system.  Have faith in justice, it will prevail.  The fact of the matter is, it doesn't.  If you have money, a pretty face, and a Hollywood resume, you can pretty much beat the justice system and go right back to the junk that they've been doing.  I wanted to say another word, but young kids read this. 

Look at Charlie Sheen.  He's shot his fiancee, bought sex multiple times, overdosed on drugs, and attacked various women in his life physically.  All he got was a slap on the wrist for all those things.  I don't know what's worse, all these famous people avoiding true justice or the trumped up punishment that inner city kids get for minor crimes.  God forbid, if I ever get into a criminal situation, I will just bring up all these cases and ask for leniency.  Before you get up in arms, I will say for the record that R. Kelly and O.J. Simpson avoided jail and justice for their heinous crimes.  However there is one difference, their peers declared them not guilty.  I wonder what the verdict would have been if there was no jury.

Dream Sports Trip Needs Frequent Flyer Miles

People often ask me how I'm a fan of the teams I like.  I was born in New York City.  So one would wonder if I'm a fan of all the Yankees or Mets, Giants or Jets, Rangers or Islanders, or the Knicks.  Actually, no not really.  I grew up a majority of my life in South Carolina, so maybe I should like the Panthers or Falcons, Braves, or the Hawks.  Nope, can't say that either.  My favorite teams are as follows:  Green Bay Packers, Oklahoma City Thunder, and the Chicago White Sox.  I was a fan of the NHL's Phoenix Coyotes, but the NHL lockout kind of bothered me and I lost all touch with that.  Plus they changed their logo and it upset me.  My undying love for the Packers started when I first saw Brett Favre.  Kid came into the game for an injured Don Majkowski and never looked back.  People always ask if I'm bitter over Brett retiring and changing his mind all the time.  Not really.  When you've done nothing but football since middle school, it's hard to say, "okay I'll stop now."  I can understand the frustration; it's hard to let go of something.  Now don't get me wrong, when he brings the Vikings to town I wish death upon him.  But that's because he's a Viking, nothing more.  When he gets inducted to the Pro Football Hall of Fame, I will be in Canton, Ohio.  My friend Adrienne better have a room for me to sleep in when I get to Ohio.  Green Bay's history in football is so awesome.  That is my true dream, to go to a game at Lambeau Field (not Lambert, John Kerry).  When I saw them win the Super Bowl in 1997, there was a tear in my eye.  All my Cowboys fan friends were pretty ticked.  I cried even more when we lost the following Super Bowl to the Broncos.  The White Sox are a different story.  I kind of found them on accident.  I was 9 years old, just moved to South Carolina, and Mom decided not to hog the cable all to herself in her bedroom like she did in New York.  I'm not bitter, I promise.  Well, I saw WGN and baseball was on and I caught the White Sox on a rare day.  Usually they suck up to the Cubs and make my day miserable.  The White Sox caps were cool among black kids, mostly because of NWA (the rap group, not the wrestling organization).  Oklahoma City Thunder are a new team, but they came from my original favorite team, the Seattle SuperSonics.  They had one of the coolest teams ever.  Had Gary Payton, who could defend anyone and pass through a keyhole.  They had the most powerful, high flying dunker I've ever seen in Shawn Kemp.  Here are some highlights.  You know how hard it is to find one of these videos without swear words?  Appreciate me please.



I wasn't as upset with the team moving to Oklahoma City, as others.  I've never been to Seattle and from all accounts, I hear it's too rainy anyway.  I'm very excited about the massive improvement they made from their last year in Seattle to this past season.  If they hadn't faced the record breaking Chicago Bulls in 1996, they would have totally won the NBA title.  Point being, I don't know how I can have such a diverse set of favorite teams.  Maybe that's just who I am, give every region a chance.  Maybe I'll be a big fan of Brazilian wrestling and Sri Lankan water polo next.

When you get a chance, check out my boy, Joe doing his thing on bleacherreport.com.  He's a good guy and loves sports like Lindsay Lohan loves cheating the justice system.  Oooh, I think I found tomorrow's blog topic. 

Frustrations

I have a ridiculous amount of spare time between the end of summer camp and the beginning of the school year.  So I get the distinct pleasure of watching game shows in the morning.  Today, I was watching Price is Right and it was a pretty interesting episode.  This one dude had no idea how much a tube of toothpaste was.  The worst part of the episode was this one lady who clearly had no clue about life.  Her showcase was pretty neat: a BMW motorcycle, a trip to Greenville, SC for the BMW Experience (I never knew Greenville had something that cool), and a BMW Convertible.  Pretty awesome showcase, if you ask me.  This woman ruined my day by saying that it cost $47,000.  WHAT!??!  The wheels on a BMW Convertible are at least 20,000.  Needless to say, this woman did not win the showcase.  This brings me to my point.  Why do we get so frustrated at regular people like us not knowing prices?  As a former game show contestant myself, I should have known the pressures that come with being in front of bright lights and pretty women trying to figure out the price of a bread machine ($180).  I think the most frustrated I got was during one of my favorite game shows ever on Nickelodeon, Legends of the Hidden Temple.  Now if you've ever seen the show, it's basically got six teams of two kids each (one boy, one girl for equal rights reasons).  These teams go through this tournament style game where the final team goes through this temple to find an ancient artifact (replica of course).  One of the rooms in said temple is called The Shrine of the Silver Monkey. See the image above for details.  You have to put the monkey together in order to open the door.  It's only got three parts: feet, body, head.  Sounds simple right?  NOPE!  Kids stay for minutes, almost ages just trying to put this silly monkey together.  Some kids put the head in first.  Some put the feet upside-down.  It's just really sad to watch.  Why do we get so frustrated, they're just kids?  I guess because we want so bad for the kids to win.  We want the Regular Joe to win that cool trip to Space Camp in Alabama (best prize ever if you're 11).  My biggest bout of frustration lately was watching Jeopardy!  Jeopardy! is supposed to be an ultimate test of your knowledge of random things.  I think you should watch this clip and watch what frustrates me.  How does the only male in the group miss this question?



Game show frustration...at its peak.  I'll stick with yelling at The Situation trying to fight off Snooki.

My Friends Are Ruining a Song

I don't know what's happening to this world, but it seems like a lot of things are being quoted.  Well, one in particular...a particular song.  I can think of at least 27 occasions where my facebook friends have quoted this over and over.  I could be wrong on that number but considering my annoyance, it seems better to fabricate a tad.  If you don't know, there is a song called "Airplanes" by some fellow named B.O.B.  I have no idea what that stands for, but if his real name is Bob, I'm flipping out.  It's a rap song, however a lot of white people like it because a white chick from a band sings the hook (chorus).  Kinda like when everyone loved Eve because Gwen Stefani sang with her on one song.  Anyhoo, all my friends keep quoting this song.  It's a decent song, however it's becoming overkill.  Too many people are quoting it as if it's some kind of magical formula.  Folks, shooting stars kill people.  Did you not see Armageddon?  The shooting star was coming towards Earth at rapid pace.  Billy Bob Thornton was super nervous about this thing, and he married Angelina Jolie.  It killed Bruce Willis, and he never got to see Liv Tyler marry Ben Affleck.  Sorry I went on that tangent, but understand that shooting stars kill people, and they are DANGEROUS.  It gets worse, now we want to pretend that AIRPLANES at NIGHT are equal to shooting stars.  No no no, people airplanes are bad in the daytime, much less the night sky.  Airplanes drop big blue rocks of poo on the earth.  Airplanes crash into forests.  Ask Ric Flair, almost ended his career before it started.  We'd have never gotten gems like this:



Airplanes aren't very dependable in an overall sense.  Let's change the lyrics to: Can we pretend that the UPS man carrying a big box is Ed McMahon?  I could really use a check right now, a check right now, a check right now.

I Have My Own Mind, Thank You

Now I'm a big fan of Facebook.  I can find old school friends from days gone by.  I can talk to people about stuff without using a telephone.  Facebook has been a fun adventure for me.  My status messages are comedic gold according to those who apparently truly haven't seen anything funny in life.  Overall, it's a good time.  However I have a beef with them.  The website that has overtaken Myspace as the biggest waste of time is now doing my liking and thinking for me.  You ever take notice to that little box on the right side that gives you "recommended pages"?  I'm not afraid to admit that I am a fan of Desperate Housewives.  However I'm not a fan of a website telling me that since I'm a fan of Desperate Housewives, I must be a fan of Grey's Anatomy.  No, I'm not.  I don't like the show, I find it lame.  Same with the whole "22 of your friends like mushrooms, click here."  Look, I love a good mushroom, but to make it a group on facebook and tell me to like it because my friends do?  I thought that whole peer pressure thing was over with in middle school.  I don't want people telling me who to like.  Lately I've noticed that there are a lot of odd "like" categories.  Some that are two and three sentences long.  Look people, don't join just any old group because it's something to do.  The group, "My shoes aren't the same size as they were in kindergarten, but I still want to wear them" is not particularly a good look.  I just noticed that 12 of my friends are fans of Barack Obama.  The same exact number of my friends like Bob Marley.  And twice as many are fans of a quote from Family Guy.  I know this isn't a long blog, so I'll make it up to you by showing a video of my new favorite song.



Run and tell that, homeboy.

Tapout Shirts Are Ruined

You know, I'm a big fan of mixed martial arts.  I love watching the classic battle between two people trying to prove who is better.  The thing about mixed martial arts is that it is way safer than boxing, more disciplined than wrestling, and much more real than professional wrestling.  However there is one part of mixed martial arts that just upsets me.  It's really no fault of their own.  The Tapout Shirt. 

Tapout makes some nice gear and I'd wear it if not for one thing, stigma.  I frequent Buffalo Wild Wings to watch a UFC pay per view to save myself the money it would cost to order it on my own television.  Paying ten bucks for water and some shrimp is a lot cheaper than 40+ dollars to watch TV.  At Buffalo Wild Wings, it's always the same sight.  Young men between the ages of 17 and 24 in ultra tight Tapout brand shirts.  And they walk the exact same way, chest puffed up and arms bent elbows out.  I guess they're trying to give off the impression that they're a lot bigger than God made them.  Sorry guys, you're not that tough.  Tapout doesn't make you any tougher, it's just a stylish shirt.

 The worst part is for some reason, the shirt causes a majority of these kids to want to start a fight.  Lucky for them, they never try with me.  I watch a dude think he can go all Georges St. Pierre on someone at the bar or at the table next door.  Let it go boys, those MMA guys are trained, you're just watchers.  And nine times out of ten, people who brag about how tough they are usually aren't.

It gets even worse.  Now there are dudes who want to be a part of the cast of the Jersey Shore.  I've seen southern fried rednecks wearing Tapout t-shirts and talking with an Italian accent.  They hadn't quite gotten the hang of hair gel, so that ruins it.  It seems that clothing causes people to change their personalities completely.  I'm a victim of it.  I got a Georgetown Starter jacket in 7th grade and thought I was God's gift to Alice Birney Middle School.  I was the same old clumsy dork, just with a cool jacket. 

Girls aren't immune.  I've seen girls in some pretty revealing outfits trying to come off as...more open to promiscuity (I gotta save that one.)  However when they get in some bad situation, they suddenly say that they're "not that kind of girl."  When Tapout Dude gets in some hot water, they're suddenly not nearly as tough.  They say clothes make the man, but truth be told, clothes exposes the man.  Maybe they'd be tougher if they wore an eyepatch.

How I Know God Exists

I have a habit of staying up later than I should now that summer camp is over and there are a couple of weeks before school starts.  I was watching the HBO Comedy channel on TV while scanning for something to watch.  First of all, that's an oxymoron because nothing from HBO is funny, ever.  Anyway, there was Bill Maher doing a stand-up act.  Apparently, he's not a fan of Republicans and George W. Bush in particular.  He was babbling on and on about how religion is phony and all this.  I perked my ears to hear what excuses and reasons he would give for there not being a God.  All he could come up with is "people are corrupt" and "God is invisible."  I just have one thing to say to Mr. Maher, thanks buddy.  He basically just quoted Scripture in his futile attempt to dispute God.  Yes people are corrupt, duh.  The Bible says that all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.  So yes, in Christianity there are very corrupt people and they do a detriment to our God.  The Bible over and over calls God invisible.  It's because we really can't see Him.  We can see His power in our lives.  I've seen miracle after miracle in people's lives.  Now I get to say that Bill Maher has advanced the Gospel better than some preachers.  Not to mention that God has always blessed me when things were going not so great.  I've had a lot of troubles in my life, but I never got flustered because in the end, God wins.  I got to hang out with some friends yesterday and we discussed a lot of things.  The main thing I got out of it was that we are all a blessing to each other.  Whether it's some wise words we've said or attitudes we've had, we've always done well to help each other out.  God always works through our inabilities and inadequacies to bring honor to Himself and His kingdom.  I'm just thankful that people can say the same about me.  It's just a shame that people can't see how good God is with all their blessings.