Monday, August 29, 2011
Irony has a funny way of testing your sincerity. As a lot of you know, I've been interviewing for special education teaching positions pretty much all summer long. Kind of like The Oscars, it's an honor just to be nominated, right? To be asked to come in to interview for a position, particularly one that I don't have top notch credentials for, is a pretty good testament to how respected I am. At least that's how I see it. Could be just a "we need to interview one of them" kind of deal. If that were the case, I'd be highly bothered. However, I'm almost certain from the feedback I've gotten from my interviews that they truly respected who I was, what I was about, and what I could potentially bring to the table. However each time I've been rejected. I always say that rejection is just a head start for someone to see what they're missing. In the end, I totally get that I was behind the 8-ball from the start. Nothing bad, just a couple of high quality things missing from my resume. That's not what's bugging me though. The bothersome thing is that two of the positions went to people I consider to be acquaintances. Nice people who are probably worthy of the position. Heck, I even gave one them information on the benefits of working for the county I work for now. Even gave the supervisor that person's number to schedule interviews and what not. Then come to find out that the folks that I like and don't really have issues with got the jobs that I interviewed for. I'm not sure where the line is between happy for success and angry from being rejected. Of course they had no way of knowing I was interviewing for the positions they received, unless someone blabbed, so I know it wasn't deliberate. They need jobs like anyone else. However I don't know if my good nature keeps me from being cutthroat and opportunistic enough to ever get the job that I want. I want my friends and anyone capable of doing the job I apply for to be able to get the jobs. However I need to figure out if my want to is as large my hope for. I know for certain that God has a plan for me. God wants me to be totally taken care of. However how should I feel when two godly people ask for the same thing from the same God? Should I say, "well if that person wants it, they can have it" or should I be like, "that's mine, I want it" without coming off too covetous. It's a hard road being a Christian, I've realized this. My Christian side wants me to encourage all to be truly happy and blessed and to get all the desires of their heart. However my fleshly side wants me to be highly ticked that people I respect and like could get something I wanted so badly. I believe in my heart that I will be teaching special education somewhere. I'd love to do it locally as I have ties and friends. Plus there's that whole proving some people that didn't believe in me wrong thing. That last part is a bit fleshly, I know, but truth be told, that's how I feel. It's my blog. I have to put the hammerlock on those that are trying to take what is mine without actually injuring someone. That's hard to do, considering how generous I've been pretty much all my life. Being a cutthroat, heartless sleazeball isn't anything I'm capable of. However being a doormat isn't so hot either.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
I guess it's safe to say that these past seven days have been the worst in my life. It started last Tuesday when I found out that I didn't get a job that I interviewed for. I wasn't necessarily disappointed about it. I knew that it was a long shot. I was kind of inexperienced in high school special education. The only experience with special education I had was with elementary school kids. It still kind of hurt that I couldn't get the job, but I'm sure whoever got the job is worthy of it. And then of course you all know about Thursday. In case you don't know, my grandmother passed away. My grandmother was my friend, my homey, and my hero. I won't dwell on it too much, but I was miserable and I guess to a lesser extent, still not at my best. After driving back to my family, I got a little comfort. However after driving back to Virginia, I went to a dinner. Dinner was good, but I kind of felt out of place. I mean I know that I hadn't seen the people I was with that much, but it could have been nice to get more than a half-hearted "hey" out of them. I was barely spoken to. When I spoke, it was like air deflated from the table. So I just kept to myself and enjoyed my popcorn shrimp and fries. I wish someone would tell me what I did wrong. Probably won't happen though, people aren't very good at expressing themselves honestly. Then today I get the news that I didn't get the job that I was really wanting. They went with someone with their endorsement already obtained. I can understand their decision. The school doesn't have to worry about applying for endorsements. Avoiding paperwork is something everyone does. However it still hurt like crazy that I was rejected again. I got a bit of a reprieve when I received a letter from a director telling me that I was classy and that I will get my opportunity soon. I'm thankful and blessed that someone would consider me classy. I hadn't heard that in a while from people outside of my family. I had a hard time will all these events this week. I asked God why He would put all this on me in a week. Then I realized that it wasn't God doing this, it was Satan. Satan saw my happiness and faith in God and decided he would try to discourage me. I asked God why He would let Satan have his way. I asked if God would just knock Satan out long enough to get out of this sad funk I'm in. Just long enough for me to get accepted and hired as a teacher and into a better situation for myself. I'm realizing now that it's okay to be upset at the things that happen to you. You just have to remember your trust in God. God gave me the ability to be saved and one day go to Heaven. So of course He's going to have something special for me. No more pity party. I knew someone who enjoyed being told they were going to be okay more than actually being okay. Being okay meant that no more pity and no more attention. Being told they would be okay over and over meant more attention and a lot more comfort. Being okay means that you have to get out of your comfort zone of sadness and into a turbulent world. A world that wants to see you fail. A world that wants to kick you when you are down. Don't let that world be yours. You get up and fight. You tell God that you'll trust Him no matter what. You tell Satan that he won't have you because God has you. If you like being sad, miserable, worried, and unsure, then keep on throwing yourself pity parties. Eventually, people are going to get sick of you. Eventually, you'll be the only person at the buffet table at your pity party with a mouth full of shrimp and seven empty glasses. Stand up and be true to the God you say you believe in. Of course if any of you are believing that there is no God, you're a fool (not my words, God Himself said it). I refuse to be sad. I refuse to be down. I refuse to have anyone or anything keep me from trusting in my God. This week is preparing me for something great. What exactly, I can't tell you. So no, I'm not wrong for questioning. God encourages us to ask Him what, when, and why. His answers usually are pretty good. In fact, they're perfect. Sometimes, we have to remember that it's not about us.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Hey Grandma, it's me TJ. I just wanted to say something to you that I couldn't say to you. Right now, you're in a much better place. See, you've been one of my biggest supporters all my life. You never hesitated to give me a hug or kiss and just tell me you love me. God blessed me with you over the span of 4 decades. I got to spend time with you on the houseboat at Bucksport. Those were some of my favorite times. I remember when Grandpa and I would go out fishing, then we'd give you the fish and you'd clean them for us and fry it up on that tiny little stove on the boat. I think that kitchen was the perfect size for you. I remember staying up pretty late in the summer time with you and Grandpa watching The Arsenio Hall Show. I remember watching Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy with Grandpa. You'd never cheer for me. Even though I was your little T, you never stopped standing by your man. I remember that day I got attacked by those wasps on the dock. I ran down that dock crying, screaming, and yelling. All you did was walk calmly and tell me to hush. Even after we realized that you got stung and your hand swoll up and looked like a boxing glove, you had the calmest demeanor ever. You were a rock. I saw the hurt you had when Grandpa died. You stayed as tough as you could through all the mess with Grandpa's belongings. Through those last few years, particularly the ones in the nursing home, I couldn't look at you without hurting. I had the hardest time ever getting myself to go visit you in that place. I couldn't stand to see you like that. Now you have your perfect body in Heaven. You're out with Grandpa on that houseboat in Heaven, probably cleaning fish that he caught even though God said we'd never have to work again. You were always one to do things your way. Grandma, I love you so much. Everyday will be dedicated to making you and Grandpa and Daddy proud of me. I'm going to see Mom and Tristan soon. They love and miss you too. I'm sure you knew that. My heart is broken right now. God is going to help me through this. He always does.