Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Am I Wrong for Questioning?

I guess it's safe to say that these past seven days have been the worst in my life.  It started last Tuesday when I found out that I didn't get a job that I interviewed for.  I wasn't necessarily disappointed about it.  I knew that it was a long shot.  I was kind of inexperienced in high school special education.  The only experience with special education I had was with elementary school kids.  It still kind of hurt that I couldn't get the job, but I'm sure whoever got the job is worthy of it.  And then of course you all know about Thursday.  In case you don't know, my grandmother passed away.  My grandmother was my friend, my homey, and my hero.  I won't dwell on it too much, but I was miserable and I guess to a lesser extent, still not at my best.  After driving back to my family, I got a little comfort.  However after driving back to Virginia, I went to a dinner.  Dinner was good, but I kind of felt out of place.  I mean I know that I hadn't seen the people I was with that much, but it could have been nice to get more than a half-hearted "hey" out of them.  I was barely spoken to.  When I spoke, it was like air deflated from the table.  So I just kept to myself and enjoyed my popcorn shrimp and fries.  I wish someone would tell me what I did wrong.  Probably won't happen though, people aren't very good at expressing themselves honestly.  Then today I get the news that I didn't get the job that I was really wanting.  They went with someone with their endorsement already obtained.  I can understand their decision.  The school doesn't have to worry about applying for endorsements.  Avoiding paperwork is something everyone does.  However it still hurt like crazy that I was rejected again.  I got a bit of a reprieve when I received a letter from a director telling me that I was classy and that I will get my opportunity soon.  I'm thankful and blessed that someone would consider me classy.  I hadn't heard that in a while from people outside of my family.  I had a hard time will all these events this week.  I asked God why He would put all this on me in a week.  Then I realized that it wasn't God doing this, it was Satan.  Satan saw my happiness and faith in God and decided he would try to discourage me.  I asked God why He would let Satan have his way.  I asked if God would just knock Satan out long enough to get out of this sad funk I'm in.  Just long enough for me to get accepted and hired as a teacher and into a better situation for myself.  I'm realizing now that it's okay to be upset at the things that happen to you.  You just have to remember your trust in God.  God gave me the ability to be saved and one day go to Heaven.  So of course He's going to have something special for me.  No more pity party.  I knew someone who enjoyed being told they were going to be okay more than actually being okay.  Being okay meant that no more pity and no more attention.  Being told they would be okay over and over meant more attention and a lot more comfort.  Being okay means that you have to get out of your comfort zone of sadness and into a turbulent world.  A world that wants to see you fail.  A world that wants to kick you when you are down.  Don't let that world be yours.  You get up and fight.  You tell God that you'll trust Him no matter what.  You tell Satan that he won't have you because God has you.  If you like being sad, miserable, worried, and unsure, then keep on throwing yourself pity parties.  Eventually, people are going to get sick of you.  Eventually, you'll be the only person at the buffet table at your pity party with a mouth full of shrimp and seven empty glasses.  Stand up and be true to the God you say you believe in.  Of course if any of you are believing that there is no God, you're a fool (not my words, God Himself said it).  I refuse to be sad.  I refuse to be down.  I refuse to have anyone or anything keep me from trusting in my God.  This week is preparing me for something great.  What exactly, I can't tell you.  So no, I'm not wrong for questioning.  God encourages us to ask Him what, when, and why.  His answers usually are pretty good.  In fact, they're perfect.  Sometimes, we have to remember that it's not about us.

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