Monday, August 29, 2011

To be or not to be...

Irony has a funny way of testing your sincerity.  As a lot of you know, I've been interviewing for special education teaching positions pretty much all summer long.  Kind of like The Oscars, it's an honor just to be nominated, right?  To be asked to come in to interview for a position, particularly one that I don't have top notch credentials for, is a pretty good testament to how respected I am.  At least that's how I see it.  Could be just a "we need to interview one of them" kind of deal.  If that were the case, I'd be highly bothered.  However, I'm almost certain from the feedback I've gotten from my interviews that they truly respected who I was, what I was about, and what I could potentially bring to the table.  However each time I've been rejected.  I always say that rejection is just a head start for someone to see what they're missing.  In the end, I totally get that I was behind the 8-ball from the start.  Nothing bad, just a couple of high quality things missing from my resume.  That's not what's bugging me though.  The bothersome thing is that two of the positions went to people I consider to be acquaintances.  Nice people who are probably worthy of the position.  Heck, I even gave one them information on the benefits of working for the county I work for now.  Even gave the supervisor that person's number to schedule interviews and what not.  Then come to find out that the folks that I like and don't really have issues with got the jobs that I interviewed for.  I'm not sure where the line is between happy for success and angry from being rejected.  Of course they had no way of knowing I was interviewing for the positions they received, unless someone blabbed, so I know it wasn't deliberate.  They need jobs like anyone else.  However I don't know if my good nature keeps me from being cutthroat and opportunistic enough to ever get the job that I want.  I want my friends and anyone capable of doing the job I apply for to be able to get the jobs.  However I need to figure out if my want to is as large my hope for.  I know for certain that God has a plan for me.  God wants me to be totally taken care of.  However how should I feel when two godly people ask for the same thing from the same God?  Should I say, "well if that person wants it, they can have it" or should I be like, "that's mine, I want it" without coming off too covetous.  It's a hard road being a Christian, I've realized this.  My Christian side wants me to encourage all to be truly happy and blessed and to get all the desires of their heart.  However my fleshly side wants me to be highly ticked that people I respect and like could get something I wanted so badly.  I believe in my heart that I will be teaching special education somewhere.  I'd love to do it locally as I have ties and friends.  Plus there's that whole proving some people that didn't believe in me wrong thing.  That last part is a bit fleshly, I know, but truth be told, that's how I feel.  It's my blog.  I have to put the hammerlock on those that are trying to take what is mine without actually injuring someone.  That's hard to do, considering how generous I've been pretty much all my life.  Being a cutthroat, heartless sleazeball isn't anything I'm capable of.  However being a doormat isn't so hot either.

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