Thursday, March 22, 2012

The Rule of Negative Three

I know I'm probably the second to last person to tell you who the right person for you could be, the last being Larry King.  However, I've put a lot of thought into the kind of person people should be trying to get with.  It's honestly a whole lot more simple than you think.  I've come to the conclusion that all women are crazy and all men are (for the sake of our younger readers) chumpstains.  I used a different word at work when explaining my theory to my co-workers.  It's simple to figure out who is right for you.  I call it the Rule of Negative Three.  Here's how it works:

Step 1.  First you have to determine how attractive the person is to you.  I know everyone says their significant other is a 10, and that's cool.  However for the rest of us who don't have significant others yet, we still have to be judgmental.  The scale of 1-10 works, so go with that.  When you've figured out the other person's rating, then you can move to the important scale.

Step 2.  You have to determine how crazy the woman is or how much of a chumpstain the man is.  I'll help you with this.  First is the How Crazy is the Woman Scale.

  1.  If she's a one on the scale, she's pretty much your best bet. She may get a little perturbed over the toilet seat being up, but nine times out of ten, she'll simply put it down for herself and move on.
  2.  This is slightly crazier.  She might actually yell at you for the toilet seat being up.  It won't take long to tell her sorry and fix the situation
  3. This is where that crazy starts getting serious.  You notice that she's leaving Post-It notes on the toilet seat.  You simply flush the notes down the toilet and try to remember the seat.
  4. She will be sitting at the door and will kindly remind you that you need to keep the toilet seat down.  This may seem like her being a nice person, but in actuality, she's nuts for sitting outside of a bathroom door.
  5.  This is the mid-point of crazy.  She'll just stand at the door until you put the seat down after you've already went.
  6.  She'll stay in the bathroom with you while you're going.  After you finish, you'll put the seat down.  She'll be happy.
 7.  She's going crazy.  Now she's posting your toilet seat problems on Facebook and Twitter.  She won't use your name.  She'll just say, "Ugh, is it so hard to put the seat down, I can't stand him.  RAWR!"
 8.  She won't feed you dinner after the toilet seat is discovered to be up.  In fact, she may actually put all the foods you're either allergic to or simply can't stand in your meal just to prove a point.  The point is, SHE'S NUTS.
 9.  She follows you into public restrooms to make sure you're putting the seat down.  You're probably wondering why this is so high on the list.  It's simple, public restrooms are not her responsibility, therefore she has no say in the matter.  She doesn't know that, hence the crazy.
 10.  She rips EVERY toilet out of the house and throws them through your car window.  That's the epitome of crazy.  Beware of her, there is no cure for her.  Pills can't help.  Nothing can, run.

This is the How Big of a Chumpstain is the Man Scale.

 1.  He says nice things, but can occassionally say something off color just to make you blush.  Not gonna lie, that's me.
 2.  He posts some slightly off color things on Facebook, but he got it from someone else, so you can forgive them.
 3.  He picks his nose in front of everyone.  That's not really that bad per se, however that means that he doesn't care too much for your visual pleasure.
 4.  He hesitates to pay for your meal.  And by hesitate, I mean pats his behind three times to make sure his wallet is there before finally realizing that he'll never see the girl again if he doesn't pay.
 5.  He keeps his collar popped on purpose.  You people really don't know how much that irritates me.  Collars stay down.  Don't be a jerk.
 6.  This guy rocks a Tapout shirt and walks with his elbows sticking out just so he can look bigger than he is.  You tend to avoid this guy if you have any self-respect.
 7.  This guy will say jerky things to you in front of his friends so he doesn't look too much like a wuss in front of them.  You don't want this kind of guy in your life.
 8.  Says terrible things about his mom or any female.  You had better be careful with this one.  He could cause you some serious harm mentally.
 9.  Cheater.  Plain and simple, if he cheats, he's no less than a 9 on the scale.  If he cheated on you once, he'll cheat on you 1000 times.
 10.  Abusive.  I don't like making light of this.  Any guy who will put their hands on a woman is not a man.  In fact, they're less than a man.  Have him thrown in jail and see how tough he really is.

Step 3.  Now for the work.  This is how The Rule of Negative Three works.  Basically you take how hot the person is.  Then you find out how crazy or chumpstain-ish they are.  If the difference is 3 or more, you're good.  Now this isn't a one way or the other type difference.  The hotness scale has to be 3 more than the crazy/chumpstain scale.  For example, if you see a girl who is an 8, she has to be no more than a 5 on the crazy scale.  If you see a guy who is a 9, he can be no more than a 6 on the chumpstain scale.  I dated a girl who was an 8 but her crazy scale was a 9.  I had to cut bait and run.  Yes, the better looking they are, the more room there is for error.  Yes that sounds superficial, but with great looks come great responsibility.

So there you go.  Tyrone's Guide to finding the right person.  Use The Rule of Negative Three to figure out what you're working with.  If anything seems wrong, dump that person now.  You're welcome.

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