What a Tyrone Wants

In my life, I've been through a lot of romance and what not.  I've had girlfriends, dates, and crushes.  Although most of my crushes have been relegated to television newswomen and female professional wrestlers.  A lot of people think I need to hurry up and get married.  You know, make an honest man out of me.  I'm already honest, sometimes too honest.  So no woman is going to rescue me from dishonesty.  The worst problem is some people think they know exactly what my type is.  Actually if you ask my Caucasian friends what my type is, they'll tell you the first black female friend they have.  Hate to break it to you, but if you have "that one black girlfriend" that you think is perfect for "your one black friend Tyrone", you really don't know my type at all.  In fact, you're a horrible person for just thinking, "let's put black people together with no commonalities."  So today, I'm going to share with you, my type.  The type of girl that I am interested in so that you can properly hook a brother up.

1. They have to be Christian
Look, I'm all about tolerance and respecting other people.  However, don't be giving me some Muslim girl or some crazy Atheist that will just challenge everything I say.  I don't need that headache.  And if I were to agree with her, we'd both be wrong.  No thanks.  So if she loves Jesus, she can move on to the next phase.

2. They have to be not dumb
I'm not looking for a genius, per se.  I'm smart enough already.  However, I don't want someone who makes Snooki look like Screech.  I just want a girl that is able to tie her own shoes.  You'd be surprised how dumb some people can be.  The ones that keep running into walls and wondering why the wall won't move.  So, if you have a girl who is not dumb, move on to step three.

3. They have to be attractive
This goes back to that whole "first black girl you see being perfect for Tyrone" thing. Most of the time, you neglect physical attractiveness to keep the black thing perfect.  Not a good look.  I gots to be attracted to her.  It doesn't make me a bad person to like to look at who I'm kissing.  I'm a relatively attractive man, I expect the same for the person I end up marrying.

4. They have to be able to take and/or make a joke
I'm hilarious.  I should have gone into stand-up comedy, but I have nervous energy and I'd be dancing all over the stage.  I guess that would be funny too, but wouldn't really be effective comedy.  I playfully pick on many people I love, so she is going to have to be able to giggle and enjoy it.  She should also, but isn't required to, be able to horse around with me.  That means that if she passes gas, she should put her arms up in victory instead of pretend it was the invisible elephant under the couch.  Be funny, make me laugh.  Too many sticks in the mud nowadays.

5. Understand the toilet seat
If it's up, put it down.  You're not blind.  You're not disabled.  The seat weighs a pound and a half at best.  Quit complaining.

6. No jealousy
Look, I have a lot friends.  A healthy percentage of them are female.  I'm not interested in most of them as of now.  If I end up dating your female friend, the interest stops unless she shows herself to be a horrible girlfriend, then I'll dump her and move on.  I'm more loyal than a 3 legged dog.  I'll treat you like gold, however I will do what I can for other friends, female or male.  Don't be jealous, be thankful you have a man with a heart of gold.

7.  Be responsible
I dated a girl that basically wasn't good at taking responsibility for the bad things that happened to her.  She even threw me under the bus when she was having a really big issue happening to her.  I don't need that.  If something bad is happening to you, nine times out of ten, you brought it on yourself.  I'm okay with that fact, she should be too.  She should be able to be responsible for herself.  Take responsibility for your own actions.

8. Make sure my family likes you
If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.  If sister ain't happy, you're probably going to be paralyzed.

There you go, how to win my heart.  If you know anyone who can do this, get at me.  Send me their facebook, and/or show them this blog.