Monday, August 20, 2012

Monday Top Ten

So the first day of school is coming up for a lot of people.  Roanoke County actually starts tomorrow.  Some have already started, and others will start when God intended, after Labor day.  Today's top ten is in dedication to the first day of school and the top things I feared the most.

10. School Bully
Contrary to popular belief, I wasn't always this amazing buffet of manliness.  At one point, I was a skinny drink of water with no muscle whatsoever.  I was worried every year that I would have one person realize that I was just tall and nothing else.

9.  My Pen Running Out of Ink
This goes back to the third grade and a traumatic experience.  We just read a book about invisible ink and at the same time, we had a spelling test.  Well the cheap pen that the teacher supplied us with, the ones with the erasers that never worked, ran out of ink.  Instead of giving me a fresh pen to work with, my teacher thought she'd be the funny one and mock my plight.  She put my test on the heater and said that maybe the ink will show up with heat.  Lucky for me, I had a mother who didn't put up with that.  When I told her what happened that day, my mother wrote a letter to the teacher.  I'll paraphrase for the sake of brevity:  "Since your pens are super cheap, I'll be supplying my son with his pens for the rest of the school year.  Maybe you can invest in better pens instead of investing in mocking 9 year olds for things they can't help."  My mom is awesome.

8.  Going Number Two
I'll never forget.  It was the fourth grade.  I had just moved to South Carolina and was just settling in to my elementary school.  I had to go to the bathroom pretty badly.  I go to the restroom and realize that the bathroom toilets didn't have doors.  Against my better judgment, I went anyway.  Of course a bunch of dudes walked into the bathroom, saw me and kept calling their friends over to laugh at me.  Yes, you read that right.  People were lining up like a carnival ride to see The Incredible Pooping Tyrone.  For most of my school career, I refused to do number two in a school.  South Carolina Public Education System, ladies and gentlemen.

7.  Teacher Spittle
My second grade teacher had a horrible spitting problem.  Every time she spoke to you from about 5 feet and closer, you caught the saliva.  And she had a large nose, so it sprayed more than normal.  It was awful.

6.  My Haircuts
My mom loves long hair on males.  Of course, I was the guinea pig.  Mom would let me go to school with large Afros and bad haircuts.  I'd tell mom that I just wanted a low cut and she'd tell me how my hair didn't need cutting.  That made for a lot of mockery.  I know, those who mocked me weren't my real friends...

5.  Sweating
This only happened in middle school.  Of course, when you are in middle school, you have a terrible odor that you just can't get rid of.  However in middle school, we also had before school flag football.  Everyday we'd have flag football games.  No matter how much deodorant I used, it never worked after these rousing games of football.  It was terrible.  It lead to me not wanting to do anything physical for pretty much the rest of my high school life for fear of sweating.

4.  The Pretty Girl
Every school year since Kindergarten, there has been that one girl that I couldn't help but love and plan my wedding for.  I remember in 8th grade, it was Danielle Hosey.  That was her name she went by.  I can't remember her actual first name, so don't bother trying to find her.  P.S. I tried 3 times.  Anyway, every year there was that one girl I wanted so badly to just talk to and ask out.  However, I never got past giving them the answers to their homework.  Although if I could get past all that, I wouldn't be the adorable and available heartthrob I am now.

3.  Falling Down
I was kind of clumsy growing up.  I was all legs.  I was freakishly tall.  I had no idea how to use my height.  So every year, I was worried that once or twice, I'd fall over in front of the wrong people.  I did a few times, never on the first day of school.

2.  Having a Soggy Lunch
I used to bring my lunch to school sometimes.  It was just some of my favorites.  Bologna and cheese sandwiches, soup in a thermos, or a Lunchable.  However for some reason, every year I brought my lunch to school, at least once something would spill and ruin it.  Bologna and cheese coated in milk is disgusting.  Soup all over the lunch box, not a good look.  Terrible days.

1.  Throwing Up
I am proud to say that in the 29 years and 42 months I've spent on this planet, I've only thrown up 4 times.  The first time was the worst time.  I was in the second grade.  I had been having terrible stomach pain all day.  Add to this, it was the math section of the standardized tests.  I was sitting next to the pretty girl for that school year, Joye.  All of a sudden, I toss my cookies all over my test, my body, and Joye's shoes.  Of course my first reaction is to keep doing my test.  My teacher said to go to the nurse.  I asked why.  She said because of the throw up.  I did what anyone would do, completely deny it.  Ever since then, I just had this fear that something would come up at the wrongest time possible.

There you go, a little humor for the first day of school.  Enjoy and share.

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